not too creative or imagintive?

i realized every time i write a short story and i have to create a main character, the character always has the same traits and problems as i do. is this just me not being creative with my writing skills or me not being imaginative and going out of my box? i don't know these answers but maybe it give me self realization and self learning. i have no idea. maybe it's normal. oh well. i just felt like i needed to share this.

late

so i haven't wrote anything in my blog for what it seem like ages! i wanted to express and let the world, whoever stumbles upon this, in on my life. for halloween i was both an indian(for school) and i zombie for a haunted house. i've never done that before so i gave it a try, it was a lot of fun scaring people. the bad part was that i got an allergic reaction to the make up they put on me and my cheeks swelled and broke out in a rash. i had to miss two days of school because i refused to show my face, i went to the doctors and they gave me stuff for it and i'm going to school tomorrow. i'm excited! i love school, but then i don't at the same time. so controversial. let's see, what else can i say? oh i believe i am getting more artistic, which was one of my goals for my senior year and i'm happy for that, well who wouldn't be? i'm with a guy who treats me so good and there in no complaint with that, we're too cool end of story. fantastic mr. fox comes out soon, i'm excited for that, wes anderson is great. i've been reading this book called "naked" by david senaris, i would recomend everyone to read it because at some parts it had me laughing out loud, great book. i'm in love with my creative writing class, i don't know if they know it or not but that is my favorite class and i think that period is like a little family. i have some of the coolest conversations in that class, so cool. well i think that's it for now, that's a lot of information i think, so have a great one! i know i will

the great

all i have to say is that i have found a wonderful companion, i am extremely happy for our relationship, i don't get sick of him and i can be my complete self around him and not feel like he is judging me because he is right next to be being just as strange. i am so happy for us (:

madness

so about last week or something along the lines of last week i realized how positive i am. and it kind of amazed me and knocked me off my feet when i thought this because i have been through some really hard time and when some people have been through some vulnerable times in their lives they tend to be more pessimistic and i lean towards extreme optimism. i'm so glad that i have been able to stay so strong, well i've had many weak points but i never once though oh things are going to get worse. i just thought i'd share this with the reader (:

something more

There was a steady breeze as I looked out the window
I saw the starry night's sky as I lifted my head
That cool blue moon made me feel so alone
But my sensuality rest assured me
Even when there might seem like there is nothing more
There is so much more to look forward to

soooo

i got all of my book today for my final year of high school, my whole two books. i'm pretty excited about this but i'm bummed because i had to choose between dropping art 2 or painting, i had to give up painting. but oh well right? i felt like i had to update a new blog because i haven't in awhile so hear you go (:

humor?

it's kind of funny how when something so good happens time seems to fly right past you, but when nothing is really happening at all the time slows down. but then you stop and look back but you realize how fast time has been traveling. i don't know, it's an interesting thing to think about. to me at least it is. there is so much more out there then what the eye can see, i think it's fascinating that it's somewhat of a mystery, but then sometimes i wish there was an answer to some of the natural things that occur. i don't know. i guess i'm going to say this, take some time to think about the things you normally do nt think about, it might make you feel a little refreshed in your mind. it's your choice too (:

climb higher

dry

i hate, hate, hate having writers block, but i promise i will get my momentum back again, and soon. i miss the words flowing through my mind and having to repeat them until i get a writing utensil and some paper to write it down on. it never is the same as how it originally flew through my mind. haha i dont even know why i'm putting all of this extra tid bit, but the more you know the better you are, right? i think so.


be happy with life, have a wonderful night/day/etc!!!

emotion

and so i as i think about it more and more, will the feeling ever go away? i dont know im still waiting for the day that it will maybe decide to leave me. i am so confused inside and i dont know where i am headed in life, but i know i have ambition to go somewhere. i want something more, but im just getting something less, it's probably just me and the decisions i make right? i want normalicty back in my life, i'm so sick of sharing my room with my mother and my sister, i wish for all god damns sake that my mother would get out and leave me instead of reminding me everyday of that past i don't want to see. i'm not hiding from that past because it's part of me, but i will never forgive what she has done to me. i want someone to talk to smoothly, i want a person i can be my compete self around and someone who will almost get me and someone who wont hold my imperfections against me. i want that feeling to last again without the outcome of a crushed let down feeling. i want to be able to decide something without it being so hard and then without me feeling so awkward to suggesting my decision. i'm glad that i'm having some help with that. i know all of this isnt making too much of sense but i'm releasing my emotions, my feelings, and my anger. i think i just want to be understood without trying too hard, i want to be loved for being me, nothing more, nothing less. i want to be heard by someone, and i want to hear someone/something. i am done with this, i feel a dash bit of betterness.

have a lovely day

again

i kind of almost forgot how this feeling felt and i'm sure glad it's happening to me once again. it seems as things are going pretty good for me so far and i cant wait to see what else comes to me cause i'm waiting patiently to find out! oo the joy of it all haha. and this book i'm stoked on this book i'm making even though i'm giving it to someone as a present. ah i feel so good (:

I AM

i did this, i'm living, i'm happy, i moved on, i'm learning, i'm listening, i'm caring, i'm sharing, i'm growing, i'm expanding, i'm doing new things, i'm doing old things, i'm laughing, i'm smiling, i'm hurting sometimes, i'm picking myself up, i'm bringing myself down, i'm blooming, i'm not so shy, i'm knowing more what i want, i'm still upset, i'm feeling, i'm enjoying, i'm daring, i'm ecstatic, i'm not letting this happen to me again, i'm deciding(kind of), i'm being helped, i'm helping, i'm making up, i'm pleasing, and their is sooo much more that doesn't even come to mind. but im happy, the summer WILL do me good and i think the new school year will too.

have a good (fill in the blank) like always!

secret

so i decided i will one day in fact, hopefully soon, will send a secret i recently have to post secret. im definitely NOT telling anyone personally what it is, only one person knows, what my biggest secret is. i think that whole organization, whatever it is, is really cool. i mean you have to let it out one time or another and knowing that a lot of people read them makes it feel like you let it out grandly because no one really knows it's you. also i picked up this book in barnes&nobles today, how to be an explorer of the world and it was such a good book so i went to micheals ad i bought this cardboard notebook thing and im going to write all of my ideas in it and im going to create it in a most interesting way. i am so excited for this. im also so excited for it being summer! im technically a senior now and i cant wait, all of my classes are going to be good and im going to make up some credit over the summer and hopefully, HOPEFULLY, get a decent job somewhere! but anyways i felt like i havent given a nice decent blog recently so i wanted to update on my life. i hope you enjoyed (:

start

i just have to say that this summer better do me good and my last year of high school too, even though i dont know where im going now. but i know i'll know soon enough, i just have to give it some time.


have a good night/day/week/month/morning/evening/second/minute/hour...you know, every moment of your great life (:

something new

i sat upon a fallen tree
listening, pondering, on what lies beneath
thinking of a natural spring
in needing of cleansing
the sun beat down on my bare shoulder
rejoicing the hope inside of me
that breeze filled the void in my blood stream
in my mind i never felt so natural

i just came apart walking through the forest
i shed the shame in the river bed
the sun warmed me with hope
i am new again

memory

today i was in algebra 2 class and we weren't doing anything too important and this memory flashed through my head. so i wrote it all down on a piece of paper so i can remember it again and post it on here, so here it is:

i have this memory in my head, i am unsure if it actually happened or it was a dream but i was holding something in my hand today and i realized my arm was shaking a little. this brought up a childhood memory in my mind. one time i was at Buffalo bills in state line and this old man in a black suit was talking to me. i think i was about five years old, maybe four. he started telling me about how he was here with his wife and how he loved children and how i reminded him of his grand daughter. my mom called me to leave and this man shook my hand. i remember looking at his arm and it was shaking intensively. and i remember that i was thinking, wow, why is he shaking so much? but i didn't say anything. but then this old man was like little girl, all old people shake and someday it will happen to you. i don't know why but this was a significant memory in my life.

this old man wasn't a perv or anything either, he was extremely sweet and that memory is so clear in my head, it feels like it happened yesterday or something.

wild

so this weekend i went up into the mountains, to be specific i went to lake sabrina right above Bishop. i cant tell you how amazing it feels when you first get out of the car and smell that nice mountain air. we set up camp and basically just looked around our campsite, it was close to a little stream so we advantured and i took some pictures that day. then night fell so we ate dinner and so on...the smell of the fire and the way you get so hypnotized by staring at the flames for to long is crazy. you could get lost in that trance for hours and have no clue where the time went. that night i slept horribley on a little couch and i was freezing to death in the night. when i awoke my legs were so sore and stiff from sleeping uncomfortabley. but when we set out for fishing in the morning, since i dont fish, i was climbing all over these rocks and jumping around trying to get some more great pictures. after all of that adventure i was taking, i laid out on this rock that was hovering over the water and just rest some more, since my family was still sleeping. my family caught about 14 fish and then we decided that we should go back to camp to eat. while resting a little we went out for a drive around the mountain to south lake. wile driving up there i noticed it was getting colder and that there was more snow and the higher we went the more snow was around and melting all over the road and there was waterfalls and beautiful trees everywhere. when we got up to the lake, the lake was still 75% frozen over and i swear that sight right there was one of the most beautiful sights i have ever seen. it looked like a lake you would see in Alaska or some other cold place like that. i took some pictures and walked down near the lake. we left after that to go eat dinner and sit by the fire again, that night i slept much better and in the morning we packed up and left back home. i am so happy that we went camping finally and i hope you enjoyed reading this as much i enjoyed doing it! :D

remembrance

so today is my dogs birthday, he has been gone for a year and a month now. i wanted to give a remembrance to him because today i have been thinking of him all day long today. so here it is, rest in peace my beautiful boy, i miss you so much and i know you are happy and in no pain now and i am glad of that. i love and miss you so much my beautiful Booboo boy<3

gaining

so lately i have felt so vulnerable and i let myself go for a moment. but i will get over that and im certain that will not happen again, i can stop myself. for the past couple of days the people i have been around have been such crabby people and so caring about themselves and it really has bummed me out. sometimes i just let out all of the frustration and hurt and sometimes i think and i think of all the good in my life and that all the good that will come out.
in psychology we covered aspect of positive psychology, and i have to say this is my favorite subject that we have covered yet. i know that i am living my life to optimum and that i try to learn from mistakes and just learn from the positives really. i know that i want to help people and i know i want to find more people to connect with, just to feel that "click" with another person. i am trying to grow more with my intimacy too, and no not sex wise but rather a meaningful relationship, being accepted, and grow soulfully with a mate. i want a job that makes me want to get up and go to work and be extremely happy while working, i want to value what i am doing rather then being miserable but making ton loads of cash while doing it, there is no point into that. i also want more altruism as well. basically i am going down the list of the notes my teacher made us take, and she is the best teacher, she explains things so you will get it and i find that fantastic.
i also love the fact that we are going to making a book, all of mrs. chaddick's students and former students, that we get to give a page of a poem, drawing, short story...etc. and all of the profits of the book, that is if it does get out there and i sure hope it does, is going to charity. like in Uganda or another poverty stricken country. i am so excited for this you have no clue!
but anyways i will wrap this up now, i am hoping that you will have a wonderful night, day, morning, evening, and so on!

oh and P.S.
have you seen 'where the wild things are' trailer? oh lordy watch it! i so cant wait for this either, it looks amazing.

success

i've marched for a cause and i walked in nature, i also got to capture some really great shots and i'm almost done with my film. i take so long getting through a whole roll it's ridiculous. but i actually feel really good with myself and the way things are going (:

lone

i feeel so lonely on days like these, i cant express my feelings and feel cnfortable doing it. i miss i miss i miss. but i look forward because i know things will fall into place, thats a given. i have to look up to the brightness and see what will be in a couple of hours, maybe days. i know, im glad, im happy, i am full when that moment comes. and that moment will come soon, i know it (:

photo

i really do wish i wasn't so agitated with my mother when i was getting ready to go to my daddy's house yesterday. i am watching these, somewhat documentaries, of underground photographers. i was so caught up in being so upset and irritable i didn't grab my camera and i really meant to ): i also didn't grab some other things that i meant to. this just goes to show NOT to get all upset over stupid little things my mother throws at me. i was upset because she wanted me to drive to micky dees to get her food, and i totally boycotted that place, and she brought the three dogs in my CLEAN heep(jeep), my pet peeve is DIRTY CARS, and she complained the whole way over there and was telling me how to drive and turn and she made me go through the drive through which i also hate. buuuuut blah blah that's so pointless getting so mad that i got yesterday. i just really wish that i grabbed my camera because i am so inspired to do something with it. I'm glad that i grabbed some of my art supplies so i can let some of this inspiration on some sort of something. haha. i also let it out culinary too when my grandparents go out to dinner with the rest of my family for their fifty-sixth marriage anniversary, which is beautiful.

so i really hope that whoevers' little eyes are reading this has a really wonderful day and that you get things done! haha i mean it

light

i am making a video to get people aware of the suffering of others in third world countries. maybe it will enlighten an invidiual's mind and help these beautiful people out. or just have them aware so their a bit unconfortable, or along the lines. i dont know what im doing or how good it will turn out.




(this is just a note, kind of like a post-it (: )

desire

I'd like to write to you but no words come to mind. i want to tell you something beautiful but nothing is configuring.
oooooh, I'll tell you what i want
i want to travel to places, beautiful places; city, country, ocean, and other places along the line. i want me new camera lenses. i want/NEED new clothing and i will always. i want my own actual car. i want friends who have my sense of humor. i want an income. i want to move from this town because there is just dust here. i want to get far away from my mother because all she brings in unnecessary stress in my life and happens to be the biggest annoyances. i want to be finished with school already. i want to teach little children. i want i want i want, i need i need i need.
i know that in the future, and near future, that all of these will come true and i will be happier then ever and i will experience these "wants" with great people along the way.
i really do miss someone right at the very moment, and every other moment not spend with him <3
for the person viewing their little eyes upon this, i hope everything is doing well with you and if it is not, i am almost positive that things will start going your way. i wish for all best for you in the present and especially in your future. so with that, have a good day, night, morning, afternoon,...LIFE!

rain

twisted day, emotionally and physically. i was good in the morning and so was the weather. later progression into third period i was heartbroken, we watched invisible children and even though i have seen it before i was still upset. and the weather got windy(no big surprise in the AV). then the day seemed to drag on after that. the clouds started rolling in and now it just started down pouring. my spirit was broken i didn't feel like anything good about 30 minutes ago. i am now just trying to catch up and this song, bill withers-lean on me, is kind of cheering me back up again which i am glad for.
here is another thought in my mind, actually this is just free association, i am ever so happy really, even though i had a bad day i am good there is nothing majorly wrong. im embracing this rain because i know this weekend and i get to wash my jeep(one of my pet peeves are dirty car and my heeep is diiirtay). Easter, family, birth of spring. the weather is getting warmer which means i can start shedding clothes and getting fit(nooo bootay shorts or skimpy dresses though. i will be becoming a senior, my man is moving forward positively, i will be turning 17 in the summer, i will be able to drive people legally soon! and me and Tarryn are doing summer yoga classes! there is so much more too look forward to and if i am in a bad mood or i just feel completely sorrow for myself i know i can think of my future, and also i know things could be a lot worse.
i dont ever mean to drag on things but i have found that if i write i feel like i am releasing some things that dont need to be bottled up inside me. a quote from the song im listening to right now! "and we'll all float on okay all right all ready we'll all float on, all right dont worry we'll all float on even if things get heavy we'll all float on." you betchaa! i will take a nice hot shower and steam off some of this "bad" feeling. i dont know what to call it.
you are a beautiful person and i admire you for being so, believe me, you are one of a kind <3

grace

hello there you beautiful face
not only are you beautiful on the outside but you are a devine soul
if i could swim out of my body to be embroided by yours i would
if the sun would set the way your lips set over mine then world would be a better place
i want to tell you something but there is no way the words would flow smoothly out of my mouth
the only person who has made me so bright is standing right in front of me and i am speechless
this road has had it's bumps where i dont know where i was
but i knew that the road would hit it's pace where you left me off
by now you should understand that there is no limit to the love i offer you
your words send tingles down my spine and how i adore that
i know by know that i will never give this up because i know by know this is worth it completely.




i think that this has been one of the most beautfulest(i dont that sounds right) day so far this year, maybe. everytime i have thought today i was enlightened by that bright thought of(daa diiing) haha. ooooohhhh i cant wait for the future :D